Sweat

When I sweat i hate myself. I feel guilty for hating myself so much. I know I don't deserve such self-loathing. But I can't help it. God, I sweat so fucking much. Something I've never gotten used to. My hands get clammy when I touch women. When we walk and hold hands I can feel their grip on me lighten as if to air out the moisture. I then get nervous in that situation because of how aware she is of my sweating issue, or that she'd rather simply not be aware of it, yet can't go back to moments ago when she was under the impression that I was normal. And that nervousness makes my forehead break out with perspiration. Lifting my arm to wipe my forehead with my sleeve makes me aware that my arm pit is soaked and the sudden shift in pit hair alignment releases freshly formed beads of sweat that slip down my side and swim with the growing pools of sweat collecting from the tension of the elastic in my boxers.

Women get disgusted by the warm sweaty stain I leave on the sheets; that soaks in the mattress. A dull brown that looks as though it smells even if you took the audacity to sniff it and assured yourself it didn't. I ask to open windows when I assume a sexual opportunity may arise. When asked why, then - before answering her question - am told that her parents room is the window next to hers and she wouldn't want to wake them I'm instantly drenched with surprise sweat. I never knew her parents lived in this house with her. The place is a shit hole, and coming to that observation, I made myself shamefully sweat because I know that judging people makes me sweaty which only leads to the guilt. The eternal guilt. The thought of if makes my feet perspire.