Pipes

He sits, he thinks. He watches her smile. "Gorgeous, " he thinks. "Absolutely gorgeous." Then, "Damn." Then, "alone. I'm so fucking alone. We're all alone. Accept for her it seems. Even when she's not with someone, she's not alone. Friends and smiles all around her always."

He tosses his cigarette and stands shoving his hands down his ripped jean pockets. He goes up to her, she leans on him. He feels special. Well, just as special as the next person she hugs after him. Which, from his point of view, looks pathetic. It's not about the person she's hugging - she knows what effect she has on other people; and loves giving out love, so it's more all about her; giving out love. This is her having a good time. With all her love she's somehow managed to control her environment. She exudes a temporal welcoming to anyone present; through touch, through looks, through conversation. She sees what is acceptable to the person she in contact with and respects their boundaries. Their prideful fences. But what she's interested in is the house that which this fence surrounds. She wants to walk around inside and see how the house was built and how well it operates. So, she sits waiting by that fence with a smile and a heavenly presence that is irresistible. It is absolutely impossible for anyone to not want to let this woman into their fence; to browse; innocently; never judging what she encounters; and the deeper she ventures, the more blemishes and leaky pipes she finds in one's horrid infrastructure. Her true desire is to tend to these leaky pipes, and one has the privilege to allow her to do so. She helps by stopping those leaks. And through her tenderness, one forgets that these blemishes and faulty portions of their infrastructure even exist... while she's there. But as one observes how this satisfies her so, one begins to wonder, "how many other fences have been opened to her? And how many people have allowed her in that now depend on her presence to keep their infrastructure stable?" Yet, who could possibly resist this woman's interest in them? Because that is what she is doing and is so adept at; actively taking interest in every person, every joke, every present situation.

Amiably, she ingratiates herself at a pace that one sets for her. Every thing is "OK" in her eyes. So, if you're not ready to let her into your gate, that is totally fine. She'll always be there, ready when you are. And it's joyous when she enters. But beware, she'll always be there once you let her in. Even if you haven't seen her for days, weeks, months, years, her presence is felt like a ghost walking on your property and haunting the once mended proverbial leaky pipes. Only now those pipes you were once able to forget about, thanks to her, now are at the foreground of your ever thought. It's torture that at one time you knew what it was like to live with out them. Because before you met her it seemed impossible to even imagine an existence like that. In fact, you may have even developed a life style which became accustomed to these leaks; a life style able to work with or around them if possible. It was tolerable. And now it's intolerable. And you can never return to that somewhat tolerable existence you once knew. You want more.

Knowing what life can be like with out the presence of these leaks, all you can think of is going back to those precious moments of euphoria. The thought becomes a leak itself, and it floods your mind.

No reason vindicating her for this. She's just being herself. But, look how many leaky houses she visits. Look at how many people are flooded after she leaves them to go hug another. It's almost disgusting. Maybe just painful. A leak of yearning. A jealous person could see her actions as selfish. As if she came on to one's property only to install a pipe that accesses a deeper yearning than one could ever imagine, and as she leaves to go and hug another she twists loose the nut and lets the pipe leak for her. Twists it so that it renders the pipe useless and a gush of yearning floods the floors and spills out the front door. It gets so bad that the flooding reaches the gate set there to protect one from exuding emotions one would prefer kept secret. This liquid yearning slips past any such a barrier and exposes to everyone this new obsessive feeling.

That is where he is caught right now. Standing. Staring. Overtly self-conscious. He needs to either stop staring and pretend to engage in a conversation with someone else present; whom she has also hugged, or he could turn and walk away. Deal with this emotional flood on his own. But, turning and walking is what he's done so often on these occasions. And he does not want to engage in a phony conversation. So he prefers to be translucent. And he's deciding now, "fuck the fence. Who says you need one to begin with? She doesn't seem to have one. Or maybe she does and no one is allowed in. Maybe she's so good at waiting at other peoples' fences, she never pays any attention to her own... that's a new thought. I wouldn't have had that thought if I didn't stick around and shamelessly gaze at who I yearn for so fervently. It feels good to treat emotions as pure and not to avoid or suppress."

He thinks that if maybe he could continue this honest existence she could possibly be inspired by him in some way; the way she inspires others. He now feels he needs to test this honest emotion. To act on it. But how? How does one prove he is honest unless one is presented an honest situation?

He'll wait. Wait for a good moment and test himself then... As of now, he looks at those people she has hugged and realizes that none of this interests him. He can honestly say that. And now that an honest situation has presented itself, he can act on it. He leaves. He thanks her silently for giving him a feeling of peace as he makes this choice. It wasn't to avoid or suppress. Or to spite her or anyone there who she had hugged. In fact it was quite logical to him and not controlled by any other factor other than his self interest. One of the purest decisions he's ever made.