Pipes

He sits, he thinks. He watches her smile. "Gorgeous, " he thinks. "Absolutely gorgeous." Then, "Damn." Then, "alone. I'm so fucking alone. We're all alone. Accept for her it seems. Even when she's not with someone, she's not alone. Friends and smiles all around her always."

He tosses his cigarette and stands shoving his hands down his ripped jean pockets. He goes up to her, she leans on him. He feels special. Well, just as special as the next person she hugs after him. Which, from his point of view, looks pathetic. It's not about the person she's hugging - she knows what effect she has on other people; and loves giving out love, so it's more all about her; giving out love. This is her having a good time. With all her love she's somehow managed to control her environment. She exudes a temporal welcoming to anyone present; through touch, through looks, through conversation. She sees what is acceptable to the person she in contact with and respects their boundaries. Their prideful fences. But what she's interested in is the house that which this fence surrounds. She wants to walk around inside and see how the house was built and how well it operates. So, she sits waiting by that fence with a smile and a heavenly presence that is irresistible. It is absolutely impossible for anyone to not want to let this woman into their fence; to browse; innocently; never judging what she encounters; and the deeper she ventures, the more blemishes and leaky pipes she finds in one's horrid infrastructure. Her true desire is to tend to these leaky pipes, and one has the privilege to allow her to do so. She helps by stopping those leaks. And through her tenderness, one forgets that these blemishes and faulty portions of their infrastructure even exist... while she's there. But as one observes how this satisfies her so, one begins to wonder, "how many other fences have been opened to her? And how many people have allowed her in that now depend on her presence to keep their infrastructure stable?" Yet, who could possibly resist this woman's interest in them? Because that is what she is doing and is so adept at; actively taking interest in every person, every joke, every present situation.

Amiably, she ingratiates herself at a pace that one sets for her. Every thing is "OK" in her eyes. So, if you're not ready to let her into your gate, that is totally fine. She'll always be there, ready when you are. And it's joyous when she enters. But beware, she'll always be there once you let her in. Even if you haven't seen her for days, weeks, months, years, her presence is felt like a ghost walking on your property and haunting the once mended proverbial leaky pipes. Only now those pipes you were once able to forget about, thanks to her, now are at the foreground of your ever thought. It's torture that at one time you knew what it was like to live with out them. Because before you met her it seemed impossible to even imagine an existence like that. In fact, you may have even developed a life style which became accustomed to these leaks; a life style able to work with or around them if possible. It was tolerable. And now it's intolerable. And you can never return to that somewhat tolerable existence you once knew. You want more.

Knowing what life can be like with out the presence of these leaks, all you can think of is going back to those precious moments of euphoria. The thought becomes a leak itself, and it floods your mind.

No reason vindicating her for this. She's just being herself. But, look how many leaky houses she visits. Look at how many people are flooded after she leaves them to go hug another. It's almost disgusting. Maybe just painful. A leak of yearning. A jealous person could see her actions as selfish. As if she came on to one's property only to install a pipe that accesses a deeper yearning than one could ever imagine, and as she leaves to go and hug another she twists loose the nut and lets the pipe leak for her. Twists it so that it renders the pipe useless and a gush of yearning floods the floors and spills out the front door. It gets so bad that the flooding reaches the gate set there to protect one from exuding emotions one would prefer kept secret. This liquid yearning slips past any such a barrier and exposes to everyone this new obsessive feeling.

That is where he is caught right now. Standing. Staring. Overtly self-conscious. He needs to either stop staring and pretend to engage in a conversation with someone else present; whom she has also hugged, or he could turn and walk away. Deal with this emotional flood on his own. But, turning and walking is what he's done so often on these occasions. And he does not want to engage in a phony conversation. So he prefers to be translucent. And he's deciding now, "fuck the fence. Who says you need one to begin with? She doesn't seem to have one. Or maybe she does and no one is allowed in. Maybe she's so good at waiting at other peoples' fences, she never pays any attention to her own... that's a new thought. I wouldn't have had that thought if I didn't stick around and shamelessly gaze at who I yearn for so fervently. It feels good to treat emotions as pure and not to avoid or suppress."

He thinks that if maybe he could continue this honest existence she could possibly be inspired by him in some way; the way she inspires others. He now feels he needs to test this honest emotion. To act on it. But how? How does one prove he is honest unless one is presented an honest situation?

He'll wait. Wait for a good moment and test himself then... As of now, he looks at those people she has hugged and realizes that none of this interests him. He can honestly say that. And now that an honest situation has presented itself, he can act on it. He leaves. He thanks her silently for giving him a feeling of peace as he makes this choice. It wasn't to avoid or suppress. Or to spite her or anyone there who she had hugged. In fact it was quite logical to him and not controlled by any other factor other than his self interest. One of the purest decisions he's ever made.

panic

Grab my wallet. Grab my checks. Who'm i writing checks to? Pen? There it is. Ok. Tuck it in. flatten the creases. They're not going away. Ok. Fuck it. let's go. - Deep breath . Ok. Down the steps. Bye-bye to the great sexy woman. Goodbye. Wish me good luck, baby? No? Ok. No worry. Take care. Front door and I'm out. Sunny as shit. Damn. Damn this sun. I can barely fucking see. And I'm going to be sweating in ten friggin seconds. C'mon car be unlocked. Of course it's locked. Of course of course. Alright. 1st gear let's go. Bently's got two babies. A year apart? A year apart. Steve is gone on vacation. Who's replacing him? I needed Steve to be there. Fuckin' Steve. What the hell, man. He can go anywhere, at any time. And those women. The man has STD's, I'm sure. I hope he pays for the girls medications and doctors visits. That cheap fucker. That selfish bitch. Whatever. This has to happen. This is it. And if it isn't, then it's over to Chase. Chase and Richard. Richard with the cancer. Cancer and the mustache. Ok. Here we go. Walking. Clear the head. 80,000. That's what I'm going for. 2.1 interest and quarterly payments. Quarterly payments. 80,000. 2.1. -Deep breath.

Cute lady behind the counter. Very nice. Hello. Yup. Long hallway. Very fucking long hallway. Jesus. How many people work here? Are they all loans? Jesus. I'm not going to get this. 80,000. 80, thousand. Deep breath. Knock loud. Knock like you've got someplace else to be. Smile, look at my watch. Yup. It's five till. Yup. I'm early. Surely, I'll sit where ever the fuck. Thank you. Yeah? No. Really? Sure. Scotch. Mmm. Oh, thanks. Sip? Yeah. Fuck I'm shaking. Drink. Deep breath- wow. I can't drink this. What did I eat today? Not much. Am I hungry? No, I'm nervous and they're so cool. They're cool as shit. They don't care about this. This is just eating up their day. This isn't going to happen. And Steve is not here. 80,000. No that is not a joke. Oh, you're joking. That's funny. No that is not funny. Yes. 80,000. Well, Steve said he'd allow me the interest rate to be as low as 2.1 percent. Yes, sir. Steve is on vacation. You can talk to him all you want. Please make this happen here, today, though. I really can't wait for Steve. C'mon, c'mon. Fucking Steve. Fuck Steve. Selfish mother fucker. Oh, god. yeah, here's all the paper work. You already have it in my file. You have my file in that computer. That is hilarious he doesn't even need to bring up my file. He's never looked at my file. This dude. Oh man. Oh please. That's dated yesterday, sir. Printed them especially for you. I was agreeing to quarterly payments. When I was talking with Steve. Vancouver. I think he's in Vancouver. I have no idea what's he's doing in Vancouver, sir. Why? We don't have to wait until he gets back. Well, his out box message from his email says he'll return the 23rd. No, I was hoping to get this sooner, sir. I really wish to - OK. Alright. Yeah. No, that's fine. Sorry. We'll speak about this when Steve gets back then. Thank you for your time. Yeah. Take care. Oh, my god. I'll see my own fucking way out thanks. Just looking at the carpet. Just getting the hell out. Down this huge hallway. I forgot to mention Bently's babies. Damn it. I was rushing. Now it's really not going to happen. Well, it doesn't matter. I wouldn't be able to wait until Steve got back anyway. Damn it. Chase. Chase and a mustache with cancer. Oh, god. Now I really can't look nervous, stressed or like this is my only option. Oh fuck. This is my only option. Why the fuck do I ever lock my door? Damn this piece of shit car. I wish it would get stolen and I could cash in on that ridiculous insurance. God I need this money. Ok. I need to breathe. Red light. Just cool it. Breathe. Green. If this guy fucking cuts me off. Damn it! God, punching the dashboard hurts. Errrr. It hurts! That fucking driver! Breathe. My heart is pumping. I can feel it in my chest man. Cool it. Could I get a heart attack this young? Never say never. Never say never? When the hell did I start saying that phrase? Red light. Great, right next to the douche bag. Glad he sped up and cut me off just to get to this light sooner than me. Ass-hole. Green. Let's park this car far from the entrance. I just want to walk up. I don't want them to see me getting out of this piece of shit. Lock the door? Not this time. Is it Richard? it's Richard with the cancer. Oh, man I hope I don't say that out loud. Another nice looking receptionist. Good looking. Damn. Are my palms sweaty? That is sad I can predict that woman would make my palms sweaty. My girl is just fine for me. I should be lusting for her and not the palm sweat inducing beauty not deserving such devotion. But damn I would be devoted if she'd let me. Knock again. New approach? Maybe courteous this time? I've got no place else to be. I'm ready. I have my papers. I'm in no hurry. Hello. Smile greet'em with pleasure. I'm plastic and they see through me, but they all are plastic as well. This is going fine. I smell like scotch? Oh, I just had lunch with a buddy. He's getting married. Then to Tahiti. Yeah. He kind of decided Tahiti over lunch. The Hawaiian decor somehow made him think of Tahiti, and he'd never been. Uh, June. June something. I don't think he even knows. So, yeah. Richard right? Thanks, a seat would be nice. Yeah, here you are, all the paper work is in there. Still sweating from the palms. Damn that. Let's just remain still. Let's not rub the sweat. I bet I stink. Yeah, I definitely can smell fumes creeping up through my collar. I'm really glad there is a desk between us. Oh. Oh sorry, yes I realize you don't really do quarterly payments here. That file was for a different uh- y'know I'm just weighing my options. The right papers are actually in my car, I must have switched them. Do you have a minute? It'll only take a minute. I don't mean to tie you up, sorry. Um... tomorrow? No, I understand lunch is important. Let me just grab the papers and I'll be back in a flash. Tomorrow? Really? Ummmm.... Yeah... 3 could work for me. No, you don't have to call me to confirm, I'll call you. Wow, I'm really sorry I came so unprepared. This is embarrassing, but tomorrow. I'll be here 3pm sharp. Yes, thank you sir. OK then. Have a good lunch... Where the hell does this guy go for lunch that he needs to rush there? Who's his date that couldn't wait a few minutes? He must be on someone else's clock. He must be fucking someone. A hotel arrangement with a hooker. One hour starting after the ten minutes it takes him to drive there. Damn it, the hot girl again. Of course she doesn't look at me. She doesn't need to. She knows I'd be devoted. Any man would. Especially a desperate one like me. God I hate being so desperate! I need cash. I need fucking money. tomorrow!? I'm going to go crazy tonight. How the fuck can I get money? Rob a fucking store? This is insane. I need to eat some food maybe. Maybe thick meat. That'll make me tired and I'll calm the fuck down. Cool off. breathe.